ADHD, Love and Relationships: A Perfect, Poorly Wired Circuit
Within a relationship, ADHD can be invisible, right up until it isn't.
Depending on your perspective, it can look like forgetfulness, distraction, messy cupboards, unspoken tension, unanswered texts, or brutal emotional dysregulation. Equally, it can feel like frustration, loneliness, exhaustion, and blame. Sometimes all of those things, sometimes all in one day.
I’ve been in the same relationship for over 35 years. I have ADHD. She doesn’t. But as Julia Michaels sings: "I got issues, but you got 'em too… But you're perfect, poorly wired circuit." Those lyrics have stuck with me. Because relationships with ADHD aren't broken, they're wired differently. And if you’re reading this, maybe that’s yours too.
If You’re the One With ADHD
Maybe you’ve been told you're selfish, thoughtless, and unreliable when, in truth, you care more than you can show. You start things with energy but lose momentum fast. You forget important things, even though they matter deeply to you. You zone out mid-conversation see the hurt on their face, and beat yourself up for doing it. Again
It’s not that you don’t love them. It’s just that your brain is fighting so hard to silence the endless chatter, the distractions, and the noise. And then the guilt builds. The shame, the frustration, you promise to do better. You try. You forget. You fall short. Again.
If You’re the Partner Without ADHD
Maybe you feel like you're doing it all, the organising, the reminding, the adulting. Picking up the ‘floordrobe’ again. Maybe you’ve started to feel more like a parent than a partner. You love them. You really do. But you’re tired. You didn’t sign up to carry everything all the time.
You don’t want it to be perfect. Just equal. Just some days when it doesn’t feel like you are walking on eggshells, you’re not the only one holding it together. And yet, you see their effort. You know they’re trying. But trying doesn’t wash the dishes or reply to messages or help when the kids are screaming and everything’s falling apart. It’s hard.
Here’s What Helped Us
It wasn’t a miracle. It wasn’t medication, therapy, diet, or exercise. It was slowly developing understanding. It was putting a name to the struggles. This is what a diagnosis brings.
When I finally understood my symptoms and why my brain functioned like it did, it explained decades of life feeling harder than it should, and it gave context, not excuses. It gave us a language to talk about things without blame but with compassion and understanding.
We learnt some truths:
Love doesn’t fix executive dysfunction.
Consistency isn’t laziness in disguise.
Emotional outbursts aren’t manipulation.
The silence isn't a lack of care; sometimes it’s shame, sometimes it’s survival.
We found new rhythms. I learnt to use tools and structures that worked for us, not for everyone else. We learnt to stop taking things personally that weren’t. We stopped blaming each other for things we hadn’t previously understood.
It’s Still Not Always Easy
But it’s real. And it’s better. Now, we both understand that we're not enemies, standing on opposing sides of the conflict. We’re allies, standing together, trying to understand it. We still argue. We still fall short. But we repair faster. And most days, that’s everything.
So If You’re Struggling
Know this: An ADHD diagnosis isn’t about labels. It’s about unlocking the “why.” And once you know the “why,” you can start figuring out the “how.”
That’s what NeuroFX is here for, not just to give people answers, but to help them build better lives with those answers. If you or your partner is wondering whether ADHD is part of the picture, we offer free screening tools and a supportive, non-judgemental path from questions to clarity. You can try those here.
You're not alone. And you’re not broken. You might just be a perfect, poorly wired circuit, looking for the right voltage.
If this advice helped you make sense of your experience, maybe it’s time to take the next step.
At NeuroFX, we specialise in understanding parts of you or your child that might have been misunderstood or misdiagnosed for years. We offer thorough, evidence-based assessments for ADHD and autism (ASD) in both adults and children, with a clear, supportive process from screening to diagnosis and treatment where needed.
Whether you’re exploring a diagnosis for yourself, your child, or someone close to you, it starts with a conversation.
You can begin with our free online screening tools, or if you already feel ready, you’re welcome to book a full assessment directly.
We’re here when you’re ready.
